In an earlier blog post, I talked about the concept of stinginess, and when we hear that word, we typically think of being stingy with money. And I’ve been guilty of that.
 
Yet, there is a another valuable resource we have, with which we can be stingy. And that is time.
 
In fact, in the past I would have been more prone to be generous with my money than generous with my time. As a driven individual and one focused on getting tasks done during the day (i.e., checking off boxes on my “To Do” list), it was easier to give money than time.
 
In II Corinthians 9:6-8, the Apostle Paul writes:
The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.
 
Some would say Paul is writing these words about finances only. But you can see this would apply to time as well.
 
If you’ve been reading these blog posts, then you know that on 14 December 1997, I experienced a difficult, life-changing event when I watched my pregnant wife Jenny and five-year-old son Danny die in a single vehicle accident on Interstate 40 East just west of Kingman, Arizona, during a military move from California to Missouri.
 
I was reeling from this blow and trying to figure out how I would make it as a single parent to three-year-old Hannah and nine-month-old Ethan. Sitting in a hotel room in Kingman I was very low and wondering what to do.
 
The phone rang, and I answered it per my Marine Corps training: “Hello, this is Captain White. May I help you?”
 
The voice on the other end of the line: “Do you know who this is?”
 
“Yes, sir. You’re the Commandant of the Marine Corps.”
(As an aside, I recognized the voice of four-star Marine General Charles Krulak on the other end of the line,  having heard him speak in videos shown at the annual Marine Corps Birthday Ball ceremonies.)
 
“I’m very sorry for what’s happened in your life today, Captain White. My wife and I are Christians, and we’re praying for you. You are going to have needs that we can help you with. Please let us know if you need anything, since we’re not mind readers. Will you promise me that?”
 
“Yes sir, I will.”
 
We talked perhaps a minute or two more and said goodbye.
 
I sat there for a moment, awestruck! How did the Commandant get my number? And the Commandant had called me—because he was a Christian and a Marine! This was the equivalent of the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of a 175,000-person organization calling a hurting employee going through adversity to see how he was doing.
 
Looking back, even though it was only a three- to four-minute conversation with General Krulak, his phone call threw me a lifeline of hope on a very tough day. To keep on going and not quit. A picture—I wasn’t alone. I would have help…but just needed to ask for it.
 
Yet, I can’t imagine what was on General Krulak’s schedule that day as the Commandant. Being responsible for the training and equipping of 175,000 Marines is not an easy assignment on any day of the week. He took time for me and put action into his leadership—not just talking in theory about leadership as the Commandant of the Marine Corps.
 
Fast forward to 19 December 1997 when we had the funeral service for Jenny and Danny and then the graveside service.
 
I was surrounded by people up to December 19th. Then they all had to go back to living their lives. Plus, Christmas was right around the corner.
 
I felt forsaken…and did not understand that this was a natural part of a tragedy. People will surround you in the immediate aftermath. Yet, you have to walk through the hard time yourself. They can not walk it for you.
 
December 24th was a very tough day. I wasn’t suicidal but was tired of the pain of grieving and tired of trying to be strong for Hannah and Ethan. I remember thinking, LORD, please just take me. I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of trying to be strong for Hannah and Ethan. Would You please take Hannah, Ethan, and me to Heaven, so we can have Christmas with Jenny and Lil Danny?
 
While lying beside Hannah and Ethan as they napped on Christmas Eve, I heard the phone ring, and my mom answered it. I heard Mama’s footsteps come down the hall to the room where I was lying down. She eased the door open and whispered, “Danny, it’s Nancy Spencer. Do you feel up to talking with her?”
 
(Note: Jenny and I met Nancy and Wayne Spencer in California and became instant friends. At the time, Wayne was an active duty Marine Colonel.)
 
I told Mama, “Yes, I’ll talk to Nancy.” I followed Mama to the den, picked up the phone and said, “Hello, this is Danny.”
 
“I don’t know why I’m supposed to call you, Danny,” Nancy said. “I feel like the Holy Spirit told me to stop my housework and give you a call. We want you to know that we love you and are praying for you. And God has not left you alone at this time.”
 
I was too choked up and crying to say much during our conversation. Years of military training forced me to put on a tough guy image. As a Marine, I believed I was invincible and tears showed weakness. However when reality hits, I’ve learned that real men do cry…and cry hard.
 
Later, I thanked Nancy for obeying the LORD, for she had thrown me another lifeline of hope just when I needed it. I will never forget how much her phone call meant in reassuring me that God had not forgotten about me, nor had His people.
 
Even though I was having to navigate life without Jenny or Danny, I was not alone. General Krulak and Nancy Spencer had been generous with their time and reached out to throw me a lifeline of hope on two days when I desperately needed it.
 
Some words of advice: in order to be generous with your time, you must have margins in your life. You can’t be a workaholic, like I’ve been most of my life, and then be able to be generous with your time.
 
You must have “white space” on your calendar to be generous with your time and reach out to your hurting friend or family member who is in the desert of life (i.e., going through a hard time). It’s almost impossible to race from meeting to meeting to meeting then have time to comfort a hurting human being.
 
Yet, if you’re willing to say “No” to every request for your time, you’ll be able to share your time with others. And you just might find yourself being used by the LORD to throw a lifeline of hope to help a fellow human being.
 
And the grieving person will never forget what you did for him/her and how you were generous with your time…though you may forget that you did so.

 
In the past 25+ years of speaking and sharing about God’s faithfulness, particularly during the difficult times of life, I’ve met dozens of people who have appreciated Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages—when I share about how his book saved my marriage with my wife Nora.
 
Nora and I discovered Dr. Chapman’s book while attending our first marriage conference in February 2011 after 12+ years of marriage.
 
Dr. Chapman’s book details how that each of us receive love in at least one of five primary ways.
 
Once I discovered Nora’s love language, I was able to show her in her love language that I loved her.
 
Well, as time passed, I was intrigued to discover that God has a love language too.
 
In John 14:15, Jesus said “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” Thus, the LORD’s love language is obedience to His commandments and to guidance/direction that He gives.
 
Many times I’ve missed the mark in showing God that I love Him as I haven’t obeyed. The nonprofit Lead with Liberty Ministries is one time where I did get it right in obeying Him.
 
In 2012, I retired from the Marine Corps and founded Lead with Liberty, LLC From 2012 to 2019, I ran Lead with Liberty as a business with a limited liability company (LLC) format. There were multiple opportunities, in both faith-based and non-faith-based settings, to present leadership and resiliency lessons learned as well as helping other leaders learn how to lead themselves.
 
Yet, I struggled to find traction from year to year in booking consistent speaking engagements along with income to provide for my family. Numerous individuals told me, “Danny, you have a powerful story, and people need to hear it. So many in the world don’t have hope. Your story provides hope and encouragement.”
 
Thus, I focused on building my network by participating in leader- ship forums, meeting key decision makers, and providing leadership and resiliency training and speeches. Yet, it didn’t seem to move the needle resulting in more speaking opportunities.
 
Then in 2017, 2018, and again in 2019, I wrestled with wanting to quit Lead with Liberty but felt that I would be out of step with the LORD. Nor would I be demonstrating perseverance and endurance along my journey. (When asked to return to speak for a church or business, I had developed a talk about persevering through tough times in life, using the Marine Corps endurance course as the skeleton of the talk. Then I shifted the talk to biblical examples of those who endured uncertain and difficult times.)
 
God challenged me about quitting Lead with Liberty—that I would be in essence saying Do what I say…not what I do. Gulp.
 
Okay, LORD, I’ll stick with Lead with Liberty.
 
I knew that God wanted me to start the LLC in late 2011/early 2012, and Nora was on board supporting this effort. I didn’t want to abandon Lead with Liberty and disobey the LORD. Yet, I knew that the Bible directs that I must provide for my family—and Lead with Liberty was not bringing in the income I needed to care for my family.
 
In April 2019, I put two fleeces before God, seeking His guidance. Two organizations had expressed interest in my speaking for them. I asked the LORD, Please have these organizations contact me by June 30, 2019, if You want me to continue with Lead with Liberty full time (i.e. , as an entrepreneur). If I don’t hear from them by June 30th, then I’m going to take it that You are okay with my pursuing full-time employment.
 
At the end of June 2019, I would have been in business for seven years. I knew that the number seven is significant in God’s Word as it represents “completion” or “perfection.” Perhaps Lead with Liberty being in business for seven years was the completion of this season.
 
I talked this over with my wife Nora, and she counseled me not to apply for full time work until July 1st. She advised me not to get ahead of God or try to jump start the process.
 
June 30th came and went with neither organization asking me to speak for them. Acknowledging Nora’s wisdom, I began applying for full time employment after July 1, 2019.
 
I applied for three full time positions that summer. With two of these jobs, I was referred to the hiring manager as a fully qualified candidate. Yet neither organization made a job offer. I was frustrated and confused—that perhaps I had lost the edge of being value-added since I had retired from the military seven years ago.
 
In early 2019, my friend Mike Osterhoudt asked me to consider serving as the speaker for his church’s men’s retreat. I talked it over with Nora, and she felt that I should accept—even though it would mean my departure flight from Missouri would be on our 21st anniversary.
 
In coordinating the administration and logistics, the church offered a generous honorarium. I realized that my expenses would make a significant dent in the amount of the honorarium—reducing what I’d have to provide for my family.
 
Initially, I thought about seeking a larger honorarium. Yet after talking with Nora then a friend (an Army chaplain), they both advised me separately just to accept what was offered. In essence, if you value the friendship with Mike—rather than more money— just accept what’s been offered and trust God. I agreed with their advice and accepted the offered honorarium and purchased my airline tickets.
 
In September 2019, I flew to Northern Virginia to speak for the men’s retreat—entitled Break Through. For several years, Mike and I had attempted to make this happen, but it hadn’t worked out. We recognized that 2019 was when God wanted it to happen.
 
Friday morning before we departed for the men’s retreat, Mike, his wife Deborah, and I were eating breakfast and sharing updates from our lives. Deborah asked me if I was on any social media. I replied that I had left social media in early 2019, for neither of the platforms I was on had generated any speaking engagements—plus, I didn’t really care to know what someone’s cat had eaten for breakfast.
 
Deborah gently counseled me that people today are on social media and that, if I wanted to get the Lead with Liberty message out, I needed to go where people are. Knowing Deborah to be a wise, godly lady, I recognized that I should consider her advice. I agreed to consider re-engaging with social media—but anticipated that I would decide not to do so.
 
Mike and I departed for his church to pick up two more men—one of whom was Gary Keys—then we drove to the Christian conference center in West Virginia. En route, Gary shared his testimony of God calling him and his wife Lisa from Ireland to the United States to serve essentially as missionaries. Gary had been serving at Mike’s church for several years and had helped Mike in planning and coordinating Break Through as well as previous men’s retreats.
 
We checked in to the conference center and found everything running smoothly. I went to my room to prepare and go through my Friday evening talk of “Biblical Endurance for Men” one more time. All of us men met for supper then moved back to the meeting room.
 
After speaking that evening and having a question and answer (Q&A) session, I met with some of the men on the retreat planning team and was overwhelmed with their feedback. Gary told me that, in several years of helping with men’s retreats, he had never seen the men sit still for a speaker. He related that they would get up to get coffee or a drink, talk to each other, use the men’s room, etc. But only two of the men got up while I was speaking...and that was to get a pen to take notes.
 
I was humbled with that feedback and blessed God for this opportunity to partner with Him and encourage these men to pursue break through in their lives.
 
Saturday morning I shared Part 1 of my story (the deaths of Jenny, Lil Danny, and our unborn baby) with another Q&A session. After lunch, there were several activities to help the men to bond together. Saturday evening I shared Part 2 of my story (God freeing me from multiple figurative prisons) and sensed God not wanting me to have a Q&A session—rather let the men process the lessons learned which the LORD had taught me.
 
Saturday evening, Gary and I started talking around 11:00 PM… and didn’t stop until 2:00 AM Sunday morning. I shared my heart with him: my frustration and disappointment with where Lead with Liberty was at and the significant difference of where I had hoped it would be after seven years of being in business. While I don’t remember everything we talked about, I know that God spoke through Gary to me: Shut down Lead with Liberty Version 1.0 as a business / LLC and re-form it as Version 2.0 as a ministry / 501(c)(3). Then Gary strongly encouraged me to get back on social media.
 
I felt like a boulder rolled out of my rucksack. I no longer had to figure out how to be a successful businessman post-Marine Corps. After Gary and I parted ways, I went to my room but was too excited to sleep. I began researching what exactly a 501(c)(3) organization was, how to set one up, etc. After an hour or so, I unwound enough to go to sleep.
 
A few hours later, I woke up and was getting ready for speaking during the last session about “Shepherd Leadership.” I sensed the LORD speaking to me. Give away the books you brought to the retreat.
 
I replied, But, LORD, that’s $251.10 that I’m giving up.
 
God spoke again: Give away the books you brought.
 
I knew that it was the LORD speaking and remembered that Nora had not felt comfortable selling books at ministry events on Sunday—even though I had resisted her input and sought approval from pastors before selling books at ministry events. I knew that what Nora had sensed was in alignment with what God was directing at Break Through.
 
In my heart, I replied Okay, LORD. I’ll give the books away. But there was one man who bought two books last night with his credit card. I’ve never processed a credit card refund with my mobile device.
 
The LORD spoke, Well, you have cash. Give him a refund with cash.
 
I replied, Okay, LORD. I will do that. I then refunded the man his book purchase price before the worship time.
 
After standing up to speak, I became very emotional, feeling awestruck by encountering God just hours before and His giving me break through in my life.
 
I told the men that I had showed up to the men’s retreat expect- ing to partner with God and to encourage them to realize break through in their lives. Little did I expect to encounter God and see break through in my own life.
 
Continuing, I asked them to forgive me if I came across as manipulative Saturday evening after I shared Part 2 of my story—when I had asked them to consider purchasing a book.
 
Footnote: The retreat planning team had planned for 80 men to attend the retreat. Only 50 showed up. I wanted the 30 men who didn’t attend to be able to read about God’s faithfulness to me during tough times as well as the figurative prisons from which He had freed me. Saturday evening I asked the men to consider purchasing a book to give a man who hadn’t attended the retreat.
 
I told the men that I was taking my first baby step in ministry. If any of them wanted a book, then take one after the session was over.
 
Afterwards, I looked at the back table and all the remaining books were gone.
 
I started shaking hands with the men and listening to their feedback and life stories. After shaking hands with one man, I looked down in my palm and saw a $50 bill. My heart was overflowing with gratitude: Thank You, LORD, for providing.
 
After returning from lunch—the last event of the retreat—I returned to the conference room to pick up my suitcase and computer bag. I was stunned to find two $100 bills lying on my suitcase. I found a $20 bill lying under a blank piece of paper by my computer bag.
 
Bottom line: the LORD provided, through the men’s generosity,
$330 in cash. Wow! He surpassed what I would have received by trying to sell the books.
 
After we departed from the conference center, someone gave a generous donation, which covered my airline tickets.

Monday morning, Gary took me to Washington Dulles International Airport for my return flight to Missouri. We loaded the plane on time, pushed away from the gate…then sat on the tarmac for over an hour waiting for approval to take off.
 
I texted Nora to let her know that likely I would not make it home that night since it was highly probable I’d miss the connecting flight from St. Louis Lambert International Airport to the Waynesville-St Robert Regional Airport on post at Fort Leonard Wood. Therefore, I’d have to overnight in St. Louis.
 
Due to the long delay in departing Dulles, I did arrive at the St. Louis airport too late to make the connecting flight to Fort Leonard Wood. Plus, my luggage was missing in action when I landed. I filed a report with the airline’s baggage claim office along with my cell number. They assured me that they would call my cell if my luggage arrived that evening.
 
I found a hotel that offered a courtesy shuttle to/from the airport—to avoid an expensive taxicab ride. While riding to the hotel, the van driver and I started talking. She said, “Someone bought me this pizza, but I don’t care for the toppings. Would you like it?”
 
I offered to pay her for it, but she wouldn’t accept any money. So God provided my supper that evening.
 
When we reached the hotel and I was getting my computer bag, I sensed the LORD speaking, Give her a tip…a generous one. I pulled a $20 bill from my wallet and gave it to the driver. She said, “Sir, that’s too much. You don’t have to do that. I usually only get a couple of dollars.”
 
I replied, “Ma’am, God’s been generous to me and blessed me. I want to bless you.” Her face lit up with the biggest smile.
 
The next morning, after getting a courtesy shuttle ride back to the St. Louis airport, I returned to the airline’s baggage claim office to see if my luggage had arrived yet. They said that it hadn’t, but they would check their luggage tracking system. They then were surprised to see that a flight was arriving from Atlanta with my bags.
 
I returned to the airline’s baggage claim office, with my luggage, to close out my missing baggage claim. To my surprise, they provided a $150 voucher for future airline travel since I had picked up my bags, and they didn’t have to deliver them to my home address.
 
So God kept blessing and blessing and blessing…far exceeding the $251.10 I would have made selling books.
 
As 2019 merged into 2020 then 2021, we began transitioning Lead with Liberty from Version 1.0 (business) to Version 2.0 (ministry). While I don’t know exactly what Lead with Liberty Version 2.0 will look like in seven years, I know that the LORD will provide for us as we speak and share lessons learned with those who are in need of encouragement.
 
In continuing to give books away at speaking events, I’ve been amazed to see the number of books that were picked up and how the donations exceeded what the sales revenue would have been.
 
I shared this with Gary Keys and he related an amazing story of God providing for a friend of his. God had told Gary’s friend to open a Christian bookstore.
 
After a year or so of being in business, the friend had approached the LORD seeking guidance. LORD, I opened the store like You told me to. But it’s not making the revenue I need to care for my family.
 
He sensed God replying I never told you to put in a cash register. Take out the cash register and put a donation box by the front door. And trust Me.
 
The friend obeyed and took out the cash register and put a donation box by the front door. Within the first week of doing this, he received more money than he had the entire previous year.
 
The LORD came back to him, You have resources that people need. Let them take the books and other items, and trust Me to touch their hearts to donate.
 
This story truly resonated with me in how I want to operate Lead with Liberty Ministries (i.e., Lead with Liberty Version 2.0). God has been generous and faithful to my family and me. He has provided through tough times and been a help and an encouragement. Thus, I want to freely offer this story and lessons learned to help and encourage others. God alone is my provider.
 
Money is no longer the driving force for me. And I feel that I’ve been freed from another figurative prison. After further reflection, it seems to me that leading with liberty is more of a process rather than a one-time event.
 
I bless God for being the source of liberty for all of us. For again, as Jesus said in John 8:36 (Complete Jewish Bible), “So if the Son frees you, you will really be free!” I pray that you have found this freedom in Jesus Christ—and if you have not that you will. You will never be the same…trust me…and you will not want to go back to what you used to be.
 
Once you’ve been freed by Jesus, then show Him how much you love Him by obeying Him. For that’s His love language.

 
I had the opportunity to serve in our homeschool group by leading young adults in their years of high school and discussing on Monday’s what they had read and studied during the week prior at home. 
When we were studying Biology and having some great discussions about what we had learned, we looked at some slides of different samples using a microscope. 
I’ll never forget the day that I saw the root cell of the ranunculus flower. The beauty of that root cell was absolutely stunning.
 
Then, we began to reflect on what we had seen individually. I was amazed to realize that the slide sample we had looked at was not the cell of the flower that you and I can see growing above ground—for the flower is beautiful.
 What we had looked at was the cell from the root of the flower.
 The root that is underground.
 The cell you can’t see without a microscope.
 Wow!
 We continued to reflect. If God put that much care and design and detail into the unseen cell of the root of the ranunculus flower, then why do we worry? 
He cares about us human beings far more than flowers.
 (Note: if it had been me designing the root cell of the ranunculus flower, I would have used black and white or brown and white. Why use colors for something most people will never see?)

In fact, in Matthew 6:28-33, Jesus said:
And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field,              how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in        all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
 So take heart my friend, God cares about you.
 Particularly, if He is your Heavenly Father and Jesus is your Lord and Savior and Holy Spirit is your Guide and Comforter. You’re His child. He has obligated Himself to take care of you.
 
As a human father, I’ve been privileged to provide for and care for nine children on this earth. I refer to them as the the nine children I can hold in my arms. (I have four children already in Heaven.)
 
I try to be a good father…a good provider…a trustworthy example. But I fail. And do so often as I’m a mortal, finite human.
 But God does not have to try. He is a Good Father. He is a Good Provider. He is a Trustworthy Example.
 May you find this to be encouraging and amazing. 
And all without having to sit through a biology lab.

Do you know how much God loves you? Do you really know? Or have you merely given mental assent to the thought “God loves me.”

Better yet, have you seen a life-changing picture of God’s love for you?

In Ephesians 3:16-19 Paul tells us
…that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Emphasis mine.)

I am forever grateful that I was born into and reared in a Christian home, yet that did not make me a Christian. To become a Christian, I had to confess my sin and accept Jesus Christ’s gift of salvation as He paid the penalty for my sin. I deserved God’s justice and judgement to be sent to hell for my sin, for sin is rebellion against Him. But Jesus was obedient to God’s plan to free us from sin, with His sacrificial death on the Cross. Thus, He made it possible for me to be freed from the kingdom of darkness in order to live in the kingdom of light.

I bless God for making it possible for me to be freed from the prison of sin in to which I as born. And He has provided the same gift of salvation for every human being…if they repent and believe.

Yet I did not realize that I still had baggage as a human being—and was in other prisons—and was not experiencing real freedom in my life.

Toward the end of my time serving in the Marine Corps, God exposed that baggage and began to free me from the following prisons: being insecure, living life as a human doing and not a human being, being a workaholic, defining myself by a Pentagon assignment/dress blue uniform/chestful of medals, seeking people’s affirmation rather than “the applause of the nail-scared hands,” and blaming my marriage problems on my wife and her family.

My wife Nora and I felt the the LORD leading me to found Lead with Liberty, LLC—after retiring from the Marine Corps in 2012—to share leadership and resiliency lessons learned. From 2012 - 2019, I focused my speaking on helping other leaders understand how to lead themselves and recognize that they too had baggage as a human being.

In 2019, the LORD led me to shut down Lead with Liberty as a business and re-form it as a nonprofit ministry/501(c)(3). 

In January 2021, I was thankful to attend a Men’s Encounter weekend event in Missouri. It was incredible to see 1,000 men worshiping the LORD and to see a glimpse of what Heaven is going to be like with millions and millions of people worshiping the LORD.

Saturday night we were worshiping and suddenly I began to see a picture—while awake…thus, I believe it was a vision.

In this picture, I saw a speck in the ocean…and the ocean was huge. (This picture reminded me of my experiences while serving in the Marines, and being deployed on board Navy ships and seeing the vastness of the Pacific Ocean.)

I heard the LORD speak to my heart and say That speck is you Danny White…and this ocean surrounding you (the speck) is how much I love you.

I was overwhelmed with this picture of the infinite vastness of God’s love for me. I began weeping unashamedly. This went on for several minutes. In fact, I thought the men who were serving us attendees at Men’s Encounter were going to have to get mops to clean up the floor around me for it was wet from my tears.

And since that experience, I’ve not been the same. 

Plus, I’ve realized that my focus for Lead with Liberty, LLC was not correct. While you need to recognize that you have baggage as a human being, you don’t need to hire me to teach you how to lead yourself or book me to be your coach or consultant.

Once you have recognized that you have baggage as a human being, what you need is to realize how much God loves you. To really grasp this fact in your soul. This is what will free you from your baggage and the prisons in which you find yourself trapped as a human being.

In First John 4:18, the Apostle John wrote:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.

Jesus made it possible for you to be freed from your baggage as a human being. Once you grasp how much He loves you, your insecurity and baggage will be cast out…they can’t hang on to you. You will be free and will never be the same.

Thus, Lead with Liberty Ministries is in part about encouraging Christian families to grasp this Biblical truth. That once you realize how much the LORD loves you—which is perfect love—your baggage will be cast out and you’ll live a life of freedom.

Also, even if you’re not a Christian, you need to know that the LORD loves you. And when you get saved, it doesn’t mean He loves you more than when you were lost.

When you accept Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, God becomes your Heavenly Father, and He obligates Himself to care for you as His child.

My prayer is that you will spend time meditating on the two Scripture passages above (Ephesians 3:16-19 and 1 John 4:18) and ask God to show you, in an up close and personal way, how much He loves you. 

Once you really know how much He loves you, your life will never be the same! And you’ll experience indescribable freedom as you comprehend the breadth and length and depth and height of God’s love.

 
If you are at all like me, you enjoy looking at pictures and re-living the memories those photos bring back to your mind. Plus, with so many electronic devices at our fingertips we can take that quick shot and it only takes a small amount of electronic space to store today’s photos, unlike the photos, in the past, we had to print in order view them and reminisce.
 
Perhaps your photo that you’re remembering now is a sunset where you and your and family quietly sat and pondered the beauty of the changing colors in the sky.
 
Or maybe your photo is a view from a high place you all climbed with physical exertion and were amazed, upon reaching the top, at how far you could see in multiple directions.
 
A photo I was looking at recently was one made when my youngest son was around two years old, and we were at Edisto Beach visiting family.
 
My wife, our unofficial family photographer, captured the wonder on Anders’ face as he saw the ocean for the first time. The sheer wonderment in his eyes and the expression on his face in that photo communicates so much amazement, that had to be going through his mind, at how huge that body of water was.
 
He had never seen that much water.
 
He could not see the end of it.
 
He could see and hear the waves crashing onto the shore then retreating with sea shells tinkling like ocean chimes as they rolled back in the surf.
 
I was sharing this insight with my friend, Mike Osterhoudt, and after reflecting some, he asked me, “Danny, are you still in awe of God like Anders was in awe of the ocean?”
 
Gulp.
 
Many times, I’ve not been. I’m often more amazed at what man has built or created than what my Heavenly Father has crafted.
 
He put processes in place for the waves not to surpass their boundary and follow a cycle day in and day out…for sunrises and sunsets to be so amazing as the light is refracted and reflected, and the sky seems to change minute by minute…for the seasons to change so slowly which allows us to enjoy such variety…and so much more.
 
Psalm 33:8 exhorts us: “Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him!” [emphasis mine].
 
So I encourage you to take time to pull away, unplug, and quiet your mind and body and spirit. And observe nature in your part of our planet Earth.
 
As you sit in quietude, observe the design of the flower, the motion of the ants, the flight of a bee or a bird, the drifting clouds, the planets in the night sky, the constellations of stars, etc.
 
Then ponder that there is a Creator who loves you enough to put on the “show” that you’re seeing.
 
And thank Him…and be in awe of Him.

 
Continuing from three earlier blog posts about the phrase I heard so often during times of grieving: “Let me know if there is anything I can do.”
 
I believe it would be better to ask the hurting person:
            “Do you need financial help with this loss?”
            “May I help you with planning the funeral service?”
            “May I help watch your children while you are taking care of the funeral arrangements?”
            “May I mow your lawn for you?”
            “May I bring you a meal on Thursday night?”
            “Or would it help if I brought a meal another night?”
 
If you want to help the hurting person going through deep loss, then be specific in your offer to help them. Don’t just generalize your offer or repeat what you’ve heard others say—“Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
 
Thus, ask them if there are any financial needs with his/her loved one’s death. Consider adapting the following for your own style of communicating: “I’m not trying to be nosy. I have learned that it’s best to be specific with helping a person going through a tough time. Thus, I want to help meet your needs exactly. Did your loved one have life insurance? If not, what are your financial needs for covering his/her final expenses?”
 
Or consider asking your friend or loved one if they need financial assistance to attend the funeral. Particularly if they are facing a funeral right after another funeral—in another part of the United States.
 
Another way you could help: “May I bring over a meal for you and your family on Thursday night?” Then take them a meal.
 
And as mentioned in an earlier blog post, don’t forget the hurting person. Follow up in the weeks after his/her loved one died.
 
So often, support pours in during the days immediately following the death and funeral service. But we go back to our own lives and forget that the hurting person still is grieving and having to learn to live without his/her friend or loved one.
 
And he feels abandoned. Or she feels like no one cares because she is feeling alone as all her friends are back to living their busy lives.
 
To put this into practice in my own life, I’ve told my wife that I want to set aside funds to be able to help other people going through deep loss. For I have been hit with the financial expenses of four funerals and know that some may not be prepared to bear the financial burden they are encountering with their loved one’s death—just I was unprepared in December 1997 and January/February 2022.
 
So I’m going to live out what I’m recommending that you do.

 
I have continued to reflect on those words (“Let me know if there is anything I can do.”) in my most recent time in the desert, with only 12 days separating the deaths of my 16-year-old nephew and my dad in January and February 2022. I heard these words repeatedly. And, for some reason, during the time of these two deaths, the words felt hollow to me.
 
Perhaps the issue was with me and my trying to be the macho man saying “I’ve got this” when it came to the emotional pummeling of grief I felt along with the financial pummeling of the expenses to attend a funeral in North Dakota and a funeral in South Carolina.
 
But to be honest I could not honestly say “I’ve got this” to the financial pummeling. My wife Nora and I cleaned out our savings for Nora and two of our sons to fly to North Dakota for my nephew’s funeral.
 
Yet, I didn’t know how I was going to cover the expenses for my wife and six children (still at home) to attend my dad’s funeral as we would have to rent a large SUV—since our Suburban was in the repair shop for a second time and we anticipated winter precipitation during our journey to and from South Carolina.
 
Three men asked me separately if I needed help financially. It was humbling to admit that I did need help…and to give a specific amount, in dollars and cents. Amazingly, God took the five-figure amount we needed—for all the funeral expenses plus the out-of-the-blue life expenses that hammered us during the same time frame—down to a three-figure amount.
 
So I began to reflect on those words that I heard in January and February 2022: “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” I’m not sure if the speaker(s) really meant them.
 
Or if they understood that it’s awkward for the hurting person to reply, “Yes, I need you to watch my children or provide $1,000 for expenses or help me with meals or ___________________ (fill in the blank).”
 
Would I be embarrassing those who offered to help, if I asked them to give financial support to help us with the strain we were having?
 
Did the word “anything” really mean anything? Or was it confined to sympathetic thoughts and prayers?
 
Would the person who offered to help be willing to fill-in-the-blank of specific assistance mentioned by the grieving person?
 
To be continued…

God led a generous church to donate two grave plots in its cemetery for my pregnant wife and son’s remains to be buried—a $6,000 gift. (And I was not a member of that church.) 

But I still owed $14,000 for caskets, funeral services, opening/closing graves, etc. 

Then a Marine colonel, who checked in on me while I was deciding whether to continue serving on active duty or to leave active duty, asked me in March 1998 whether or not I could pay for the funerals. I attempted to duck and weave in my pride to answer him.

But the colonel persisted and point blank asked, “Captain White, are you able to write a check to pay the balance remaining on your wife and son’s funerals.”

I admitted that I could not. A most humbling moment.

The colonel then asked for the exact amount (i.e., down to the penny) of the balance for the two funerals, and I told him. He said that he would be in touch. 

Two weeks later he called and directed me to get a set of temporary additional duty (TAD) orders and fly to Washington, D.C. He would pick me up at Reagan National Airport and take me to meet a Marine Major General (i.e., a two-star general) at Headquarters, Marine Corps for a presentation.

Fast forward through the story. The Marine Colonel contacted two generous organizations who provided the funding to pay the funeral balance in full. I arrived in D.C., and the Marine Corps Major General presented me two checks to pay off the $14,000 I still owed.

I felt a huge burden roll off my shoulders as a $20,000 debt was paid. God had provided through generous people.

So if it had not been for that church donating the grave plots and that Marine Colonel being very specific with me, I’m not sure how I would have been able to pay off those funeral bills. (My pride would have left me in a financial hardship.)

They didn’t just say the words “Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.” They zoomed through generalities down to the specifics—to where exactly I needed help.

To be continued…

 
This aspect of helping someone going through a tough time will be a multi-part blog, for I would like to address a statement that I have heard every time I faced deep loss—1997, 2012, 2013, and 2022—and some insights to that statement.
 
The statement is “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” It was consistently made at the end of phone calls or emails or texts from someone who had contacted me after hearing that I had lost a loved one (wife/children, mother, brother, nephew, and father). The implication to “Let me know if there is anything I can do” was “let me know how I can help you.”
 
Sadly, I used the same words many times when I had tried to comfort someone going through a tough time, especially before 14 December 1997—when I watched my pregnant wife Jenny and five-year-old son Lil Danny die in an accident.
 
“Let me know if there is anything I can do.” On the surface, the words sound good. They sound helpful. And in trying to think the best of people, I think they meant them. But as I’ve continued to analyze my own times of deep loss, those words can ring very hollow.
 
I heard these words after December 1997. And as you know gentle reader from earlier blogs, I was prideful and tried to be the Lone Ranger and not let people help me. Eventually I accepted offers for child care for my two surviving children to help maintain my emotional, mental, and physical wellness.
 
But I never told anyone that I didn’t have the financial means to pay for $20,000 in funeral bills. I only had about $3,000 in savings with which I could purchase one grave plot at a local cemetery in the Upstate of South Carolina…and I needed two grave plots for Jenny and Lil Danny.
 
I had failed to plan for the possibility that my wife and/or children might die before me, and thus I should have had life insurance policies on them. I had a life insurance policy for me because I was the one serving in the Marine Corps and had gone out of helicopters at night with fast roping/rappelling and blown up things with demolitions and participated in live-fire maneuvers. Statistically, I was going to be the one to die first. But my plan didn’t work out.
 
To be continued…

 
The caveat with this lesson learned is that I’m going from my own experience and recognize that I’m only one data point. Thus, I don’t know if this would apply to others going through a tough time.
 
When my wife and son and unborn baby died on 14 December 1997, in the aftermath of the accident, I had several unknown people contact me with their stories of loss.
 
Perhaps, if they had contacted me after the initial time of grief and raw pain, I might have been more receptive. As it was, it was all I could do to be gracious and not react in anger. I was not ready to hear their stories. I was not ready to read their writings or books they recommended. I needed time to be alone and grieve. I didn’t feel like I had the bandwidth to encounter these strangers and read the books they gave me.
 
Now fast forward to the mid-2000’s. A retired Marine friend of mine (let’s call him “Zeb”…not his real name) contacted me about an active duty Marine friend of his (let’s call this other man “Adam”…not his real name) who had experienced almost the same thing as I did. Adam watched his wife and child die in a wreck. (Adam and I did not know each other.)
 
Zeb wanted me to call Adam to help him. I remembered my own experience in late December 1997 and told Zeb that I thought it would be better if he let Adam know that I was available to talk. Adam did not accept the offer made multiple times by Zeb.
 
I believe that if I had called Adam, it would have done more harm than good.
 
I’ve thought about this situation many times since it took place and, now with more life experience and hopefully having gained more wisdom, I’ve realized that I should have recommended to Zeb, to make the offer to Adam weeks after the accident. But perhaps that’s still wrong.
 
All this is to say, once you have experienced deep loss and have worked through the grieving process and you are on the other side of the grieving process, be cautious about charging in like the cavalry thinking you’ll save the day for someone else who has just experienced a loss. It may not help them.
 
First and foremost, seek God and ask Him if He wants you to go talk to the hurting person. At least consider waiting until the hurting person has worked through his/her initial grief before you share your story of pain and loss and grief.
 
As mentioned in an earlier blog post, just give the gift of your presence during the initial grief and just listen. Share your insights and lessons learned later—perhaps when asked by the hurting person.

 
Another huge lesson learned from facing grief and deep loss is the importance of community. So often when I’ve been hurt, whether by words or actions of other people or the death of a loved one, I’ve wanted to isolate myself and be alone.
 
It’s okay to be alone for the initial time of grieving. But I encourage you not to linger by yourself for too long. As you remain alone there is a huge temptation to focus on yourself and your pain and your grief, which will delay the process of starting to heal—so that the wound of losing a loved one can become a scar rather than remaining an open wound.
 
We are too small on our own as human beings…to be our own focus. To focus solely on how bad things are for you right now with your recent loss. To worry about how you’ll deal with the coming days and weeks (if you’re a planner like me) without your loved one. To focus on yourself and your pain over and over and over.
 
I learned this from Jerry Bridges’ book Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts. In his book, the late Dr. Bridges encourages the hurting person to begin worshiping God and the implication to stop focusing solely on his/her grief and pain. I was not able to thank God for my wife and son and unborn baby dying on 14 December 1997. However, I could thank Him for His help and comfort and walking with me each day as He was faithfully doing at that point…and has done so since that day.
 
Around the same time I realized that I wanted to act as the proverbial Lone Ranger and not accept other people’s offer to help me. But on the TV show “The Lone Ranger”, the main character, The Lone Ranger was smart enough to know that he needed Tonto, his Indian guide and companion. He was not going to make it through life on his own.
 
Thus, I began to learn after 14 December 1997, I was not going to make it by myself with the weight of grief and deep loss while trying to take care of my surviving three-year-old daughter and nine-month-old son. I had to swallow my pride and humbly accept people’s offer to help me—specifically with childcare so that I could have some brief time for self-care.
 
As humans, we were meant to be in community and not hermits. God said in Genesis that it was not good for man to be alone—and He created a helpmeet for the first man. When God said that it was not good for man to be alone, that’s the first time in the Bible it’s recorded that God said something was not good. So if God said that, then it’s a good idea to comply in order to have the most blessed life—following God’s guidance will ensure that you have a full life.

 
To continue from the previous blog post—and how I learned this lesson along my journey.
 
Secondly, I didn’t know how to help someone going through a tough time and felt awkward when coming alongside him/her—focusing on my awkwardness, rather than my friend’s pain. As mentioned in an earlier blog post, you don’t have to be a minister or have a degree in psychology or have graduated from seminary to help someone going through a time in the desert. Just providing the gift of your presence is enough. You don’t have to say anything. Just be present and willing to listen if the hurting individual wants to talk.
 
This leads to the third item of not knowing what to say.  So often, I didn’t know what to say to my friend or loved one going through a tough time. For I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to say anything. I just needed to give the gift of presence (along with the gift of my time) and be willing to be quiet and listen.
 
A word of caution here. With not knowing what to say, and if there is silence when you are with your hurting friend, you might begin to focus on your discomfort with silence and then just say something so that you don’t feel awkward. And then you blurt out something that is not helpful at best or hurtful at worst which does not help your friend or loved one. Again, keep your focus on the hurting human being and not your awkwardness with silence.
 
Thus, I wanted to help but didn’t know how to help or know the words to say that would help and not hurt. So I would say something that I had heard someone else say to a grieving person…that sounded cool:
            “I know how you’re feeling.”
            “The deceased is in a better place.”
            “Heaven needed them more than earth did.”
            “Heaven needed another angel.”
            “You’ll get through this.”
            Or some other inane or inaccurate or untruthful comment. Many of these phrases have been explained and dissected in previous blog posts.
 
However, the following words were spoken so often in 1997, in 2012, in 2013 and again in 2022: “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
 
I’ve realized these can be seemingly empty words and will address this comment in much greater length in a future blog post.

 
Focus on the grieving person…not yourself. You might ask, “Why would you mention this to me, Danny? I always try to help when a person is going through a time of grief. I do focus on my hurting fellow human being…I’m not focusing on myself.”
 
At first glance it might appear that I’m off base and not really tracking by elaborating on this lesson learned. However, please allow me to share how I gained this experiential wisdom along my journey.
 
Before 14 December 1997, I was more focused on myself than a hurting friend or loved one. I wasn’t callous or uncaring…I just had never experienced raw pain and grief before and did not understand how crippling and devastating grief can be. I did understand what my friend was going through. (Once you’ve experienced deep pain and grief, you’re never the same. And you can have empathy—not just sympathy— toward others who are hurting.)
 
Also, I was busy and wasn’t sure if I had time to help. I didn’t know how to help someone going through deep loss. I didn’t know what to say to the hurting individual. I knew that I wanted to help—another human being was hurting. But didn’t know how to help since I thought you needed to be a minister or a psychologist or to have graduated from seminary.
 
So let me take these items, one at a time. First, in my busyness, I had boxes to check to feel good about myself—about how much I had accomplished. When my friend was dealing with the deep loss of a loved one’s death, it did not come at a convenient time for me. (As an aside, I’ve heard the statement “Death does not come at a convenient time for those who are still living.”) Thus, I was focused on my “To do” list rather than focusing on my fellow human being who was hurting.
 
There is a balance between accomplishing tasks and building/nurturing relationships. I can’t sit around all day building relationships over a cup of coffee or sharing a meal. I must get tasks completed. However, I must not allow my task list to outweigh helping another person who is hurting.
 
Plus, I must have margins in my life to be able to shift and help someone going through a time in the desert of life. If I’m constantly racing around, multi-tasking I will not have time to help someone in need. Or, if I refuse to have margins in my schedule, I must be willing to cancel a full schedule to make time to help my hurting friend/loved one.
 
To be continued.

 
As mentioned in an earlier blog post, Brad Lapiska—a mentor and friend—stated, “Danny, for a man of your age, you have more Purple Hearts of suffering than anyone else I know. You owe it to the rest of us to share what you’ve learned.”
 
(Note: in case you’re just joining this series of blogs, Brad said this in 2013 after my brother Jonathan’s death….50 days after my mother died in late 2012. And 16 years after my wife Jenny, five-year-old son Danny and Unborn Baby died in a single vehicle accident during a military move in 1997.)
 
Fast forward from Brad’s statement in 2013 to 2022 when I was in the desert of grief and pain again and getting another Purple Heart of suffering, and I was dealing with some angst and friction from a separate situation.
 
My wife and I had a scheduled meeting with a U.S. Army chaplain for counseling every two months to have some accountability to remain intentional in our marriage and not just “hope that things will work out.”
 
When sharing the details of my angst and frustration with the chaplain in the aftermath of this new Purple Heart of suffering, he shared a very profound insight. He stated that grief is not cyclic or linear…rather grief is cumulative.
 
This means that every time you experience deep loss, it adds onto the previous deep losses you’re already experienced. So the picture is that each time you experience grief with losing a loved one, you add a rock to your rucksack (i.e., the military term for a “backpack”).
 
This resonated with me as I realized that I should not—and could not--just get over my previous deep losses. So when my mother died in 2012, I didn’t take the earlier rocks of grief—of losing my wife, son, and unborn baby in 1997—out of my rucksack and put in the rock of losing my mom. The rocks of pain with losing Jenny, Danny, and Unborn Baby remained in my rucksack. But I had to add the rock of grief of losing my mother. Then 50 days later add the rock of my brother’s death.
 
Thus, as each deep loss occurred, it was normal for it to seem that my rucksack got a bit heavier each time.
 
Or said another way—the Purple Hearts of suffering do accumulate.
 
So gentle reader, please keep this in mind as you help others going through tough times in the desert or painful times in life. Particularly if he or she has experienced earlier times of grief and loss.
 
This new time in the desert is piling up on his previous times in the desert. And it may be overwhelming to her now as a loss has piled onto a previous loss…or series of losses. His rucksack has gotten heavier. She is carrying a bigger burden now.
 
And certainly don’t tell your hurting friend or family member just to buck up and he/she will be fine. Particularly if you haven’t lost a loved one. It’s hard to buck up when your rucksack just got heavier with an added rock of grief or pain.

 
To continue with sharing experiential wisdom from having multiple times in the desert of grief and pain—when listening to someone talk and giving that individual the gift of your time and presence, don’t try to correct his theology or “fix” her in what she just said.
 
As in the previous blog entry, don’t negate the gift of your presence/time by saying something that will hurt your friend or family member. Just let the grieving person talk…perhaps she processes things out loud. Let him talk and process his pain and grief.
 
One time I was sharing with a person (let’s call him Saul…not his real name) about the death of a family member and some friction I was having in the aftermath. In processing this friction, I realized that I was mad at God for my family member’s death and the friction in the aftermath. Saul immediately began to correct me, seemingly horrified that I would admit being mad at God.
 
I quietly listened to Saul and then asked, “Don’t you think God is big enough to handle our anger when we’re hurting?”
 
Saul thought about it and said “Yes…God is big enough to handle our anger.”
 
I then shared that I had learned this idea reading C.S. Lewis’ book A Grief Observed, a book he wrote after his wife Joy died from cancer. Lewis realized that he only had had a theory about suffering and pain before his wife died. After she died, he had experienced pain and suffering in an intense way—and his theory was lacking.
 
(As an aside, to me, it sounds like Lewis then had an understanding of Thomas Myerscough’s quote: “He that has an experience is not at the mercy of a man who merely has an argument.”)
 
Thankfully this reprimand about being mad at God did not occur the first time I was in the desert of grief and pain. I had matured and gained wisdom along life’s journey and hopefully some added patience and grace with how I treated other people.
 
I do know that God is big enough to handle my anger toward Him. It’s happened before. But what I’ve learned is not to hang on to the anger and become bitter and disenfranchised with God and leave Him. (As an aside, trying “Door #2” will not gain you the comfort and healing that the LORD will provide in choosing Him as “Door #1.”)
 
Rather, in working through the process of grief and pain of deep loss, I surrendered my grief and pain to the LORD and allowed Him to begin healing me.
 
So I recommend this to you gentle reader. If you feel like God has let you down and you’re angry at Him, then talk to Him. Let Him know how you’re feeling. Don’t hold it in—let it out. You’ll never find a better listener than God.
 
Then let go of your anger and pain and give it to Him. You’ll begin to experience freedom and the process of healing. This I know from experience…not just from having a theory about it.

 
Continuing from the previous blog post—about people not being comfortable with silence and not knowing what to say when someone else is going through a tough time in a desert phase of life.
 
Don’t focus on yourself being uncomfortable with silence…because, to be blunt, that is being selfish. Focus on the hurting person going through grief and a hard time…not yourself.
 
Give the hurting person the gift of your presence and just sit with them. Let him/her talk if he/she wants to talk…and just listen. Or if he/she does not want to talk then just sit with the individual. You don’t have to say anything. The gift of presence is so powerful to help a hurting person.
 
And don’t think you have to be a preacher or have a degree in theology or be a psychologist to know what to say to a hurting person. Just focus on the hurting individual…not yourself. And be present with them. They will never forget what you did for them by sharing your most valuable resource—your time—and the gift of your quiet presence.
 
Then circle back in two weeks or a month and do it again. Just sit quietly with the hurting person and let him/her talk if he/she wants to talk. Eventually the hurting person will want to talk. And the gift of your presence and listening ear will be priceless.
 
From my own experience, I will never forget those who just listened to me work through my grief and didn’t try to correct my theology or something I said. It was cathartic for me to be able to let my grief out and not keep it bottled up…when I was ready to let it out.
 
A friend of mine, retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel Robb Faulk, said that he had seen people act like the following toward an individual going through a tough situation: they come in like a seagull…they squawk, poop, and leave. So don’t be like a seagull to a hurting person.
 
And I would add, after doing all those things that a seagull does, they never return, seemingly forgetting about the hurting person.
 
When you go through a tough time in life with the loss of a loved one, and someone remembers you, you’ll never forget them or their actions of care and concern.
 
So do the same for others you know when they are going through a tough time. In essence, pay it forward. And don’t be like a seagull.